then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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