Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize