The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
