i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
