I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
