hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
