i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
