my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
