Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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