Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
