god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
