I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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