Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
