I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm like, not good at living.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
