dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
