i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
