i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
