Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
