I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
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