if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
