just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize