Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
