is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
