First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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