Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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