Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
