I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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