She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
