i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
