If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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