I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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