She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
