Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
