he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
