i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
