He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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