She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
