I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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