2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
