Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
