I CAN MOONWALK!
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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