you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
