When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
