My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
