I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
