Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
