Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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