Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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