I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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