Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
