Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
