The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
