seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
