Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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