oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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