I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
