she woke up with a sticky ear
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
