i jhust puked up my retainher.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize