My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
