she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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