So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
