i was born a porn star she said
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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