I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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